Short funny quotes

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."
Short funny quotes by, Bob Hope


"A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah."
Short funny quotes by, Ronald Reagan


"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough."
Short funny quotes by, Albert Einstein


"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
Short funny quotes by, Dean Martin


"If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life."
Short funny quotes by, Tommy Lasorda


"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
Short funny quotes by, Zsa Zsa Gabor


"Ninety percent of the game is half mental."
Short funny quotes by, Jim Wohford


"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." - after being told he looked cool.
Short funny quotes by, Yogi Berra


"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!" -Homer J. Simpson Short funny quotes by, Yogi Berra


"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
Short funny quotes by, Bill Cosby


"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
Short funny quotes by, Albert Einstein

Short funny quotes

# "Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!"
Short and funny quote by, Homer J Simpson.


# "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car"
Short funny quotes, Unknown.


# "I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
Short funny quotes by, Zsa Zsa Gabor


# "I remmember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
Short and funny quotes, Rodney Dangerfield


# "People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world," Calvin.


# "Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?" Hobbes.
Short and funny quotes, Calvin and Hobbes.


# "Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality."
Short and funny quote by, Clifton Fadiman.


# "Never stand between a dog and the hydrant."
Short Funny Quote by, John Peers.


# "You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."
- Short and funny quote by, Pearl Williams.


# "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner."
Short and funny quote by, Lyndon B. Johnson.


# "He's so optimistic he'd buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants."
Short and funny quote by, Chuck Tanner.